In honoring the fullness of my 'magical mystery tour', I am sharing this particular stage of my journey with you, as surely it is a significant one. I am at the edge. It is that point of transition in which chaos has broken out and a shift is underway. Emotionally, it feels more like the making of the “perfect storm”. That point when there is a coming together of various scary and seemingly life threatening situations. (I did say emotionally, aware that these are feelings, not reality, even as ‘real’ as they seem to be.) That point when it seems as though there is a possibility of “loosing it”, even while on a level closer to the truth, I know there is nothing to loose. There is nothing to be lost, no place to go, other than to be here, now. I find little comfort here and now, not fully comprehending the fullness of this reality. I feel overwhelmed. Too many decisions to be made, too many life situations unfolding and evolving at the same time, too many connections to be present to, all in the midst of too many unknowns.
At this particular time, in this particular place in Budapest, it is time to move into a new life situation. Eva returns tomorrow, a week early, to prepare for an NVC Board meeting which is convening in her home. This meeting came up well after I was here, so that my plans to return on Sept. 2, were based upon her previously scheduled return home of Sept 1. She has asked to have the place to herself as she prepares for the meeting and multiple house guests.
It is time for me to move from this place I have come to know as home, for the past three months, and move out into the realm of the unknown. Unlike the Fool in the Tarot deck, gracefully and joyfully stepping into the glory of it all, I am feeling nudged off the edge, before being quite ready. More accurately, I feel like I am being tossed out of an airplane, not sure that my parachute will open in time and that I will have all I need for a safe landing. I will call upon the Fool for guidance.
Without going into the specifics of some of the other contributing factors to my little storm, I will just say that the underlying theme seems to have to do with finding my footing, finding my groundedness of being. While traveling, stability does not seem to be important. Stability is in the mobility. And yet as I say that, I am aware that as this journey has been particularly meaningful, I am quite sure that it has had something to do with the fact that in the midst of the mobility there has been stability. And while I would love to be able to declare that the stability has been of an internal nature, in truth, it has been closely connected to this home that Eva has created for herself and shared with me. And out of the stability and the mobility, magic has happened for me in the past three months. I have discovered more of myself, in this world I live, than I had been conscious of before. I have always suspected that there was a vastness to me, I have not been aware of. And while this journey has been an exploration into this fuller self that I am, I have just begun the adventure.
So, while my realities of stability and mobility converge, I feel tossed and turned in the ever expanding and contracting experiences of life moving thru me. As I attempt to maintain deep connection in self, with Self, in this world, I am feeling disoriented and confused. As I attempt to remain connected to the vastness of it, I feel as though I am moving into a realm which is beyond my capacity to integrate, make real. This has been the story of my life, however a change is underway, as this soul is ready to become real, made manifest.
So, as I attempt to do my best in navigating thru this "mess" , I will pray for equanimity and will look forward to the time when we meet and embrace and celebrate that not only did I survive this phase of the integration process, but have emerged with an even greater sense of wholeness, for having done so.
Please keep me in your hearts and prayers for the next period of time. I am imagining that being for the next month, from today when I prepare to leave Evas, perhaps travel to other areas of Eastern Europe, including a trip to Romania to be with Kate, return to Budapest to say my good-byes, pack for my trip back to the USA on Spet. 2, reunite with dear Sophie, find a place for us to live, find meaningful work which is open to and receptive to the fullness of expression, while providing financial stability, and reconnecting with you, my community of friends who have joined with me in this incredible journey as well as those who have not, careful to do so in a way that integrates who I have come to know myself to be. I fear that I will not have the courage and stability to make the transition complete, in order to truley start anew. And yet I must, for I can not go back.
Yes, please keep me in your prayers, knowing that all is well and that in reality, new life is unfolding in perfectly divine order. And that indeed, it is very good.
Renewed in love and gratitude, while approaching peace.
Abbey
