..stepping into vulnerable places.....

"Why are you crying mam?" asked the young girl I was sharing a berth with, on a train ride from Tiruvannamalai, Tamilnadu to Kollam, Kerala, a one-hour rickshaw ride from Amritapuri, home of Amma – the hugging Saint. Initially I am not sure what she is asking, and then she repeats the question again, pointing to the tears rolling down my face. Her innocent concern generates even more tears, making it more difficult to mask my grief. I am at a loss for words, as I am not sure myself where the tears come from, what part of my past they may be arising from in order to heal, or if perhaps they are just my body’s attempt to release some of the discomfort it has harbored over the past couple of weeks. So rather than attempting to sort it all out, in the moment, I just shrug my shoulders. At which point, with both her and her little brother looking on, she replies, "Don’t cry mam, be happy." Touched by her pure human compassion I continue my gaze out the window, deepening into my most vulnerable self.

My journey has not been easy, ever since leaving Varanasi, even with the little respite I had in Auroville. Still not resourced enough to really understand what is going on, I can only say I have not quite felt myself. Somehow disconnected, somewhat under the weather, with bouts of stomach problems…disappointed that I, of my own self, don’t seem to have the capacity to shake it, and time is running short. Since arriving in the Southern part of India, I have encountered more Westerners like myself, on a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. As I express my sadness with those I suspect may have some understanding, they most commonly express words of encouragement along the lines of, "Ah yes, it is intense here. It is a cleansing process you are going through. It happens to most people who come here for the first time. Hang in there - it will pass." And yet, in this moment, that is hard to imagine. But trust I must.

Arriving in Tiruvannamalai, I immediately made my way to Sri Ramanasramam, home of Sri Ramana Maharshi. I was not familiar with this Saint. However oftentimes when sharing my itinerary with others, and it became apparent I was on a spiritual journey, Tiru always seemed to rank high on the list of significant sacred sites, beginning with Sai Ram, the young man who met me at the airport after first arriving in Delhi. His grandmother considered it to be "the most powerful place in India for meditation." Some warned, "Be careful…many find it difficult to leave there!" Eager to experience the ultimate, I am not deterred. In order to stay at the Ashram, reservations are required months in advance. Unfortunately, given my day-by-day travel plans, I was not able to make them. However, I was able to find a comfortable place to stay, just down road.





Sri Ramana Maharshi is an enlightened one who experienced samadhi at the age of 16. For the next 22 years he spent the majority of his life in the state of bliss, being cared for by devotees. He passed from this realm in 1950 and continues to deeply influence people all over the world through his teachings.

Along with him, there are many in Tiru who apparently spend a good bit of time in samadhi. There are a number of women who are taken care of by family members, because they are so blissed out. When going to visit one of them, I was informed that she would not be doing darshan again, until the 5th of August, the day after I was to leave. She would be in deep meditation, communing with God, unavailable for a public audience. I did however make my way out to a little village, where Aum Amma, another blessed one, was to be offering darshan.

It turned out she had already offered it in the morning. I was encouraged to just sit still for a bit and perhaps she would be willing to see me privately. After about a half hour, I was guided into a dark room where she sat. As I knelt before her, she chanted as she laid her hands on my head. After a few minutes I was ushered out. I left feeling grateful for my time with her. I, however, cannot say that I consciously experienced any of the bliss I am imagining she resides in. I do, however, trust that my soul thoroughly enjoyed the experience, while I continue to wade thru my humanity.

Tiru is at the base of the sacred Mount Arunachala. It is on the top of the "Hill" where many enlightened masters have had their encounters with Krishna, the incarnation of Shiva, a Supreme Being within the Hindu religion. Many make daily pilgrimages around the mountain, a distance of about 10 km. It is believed that circumambulating the hill is to be "as effective as a circuit around the world," suggesting the whole world is condensed here. The day after I left, many thousands were expected to pour into the area, all of them making their way around Arunachala in celebration of the full moon, a monthly ritual here. All along the way are temples honoring the various Gods and Goddesses. With way too little energy to walk it myself, I did go around a couple of times in a rickshaw, once alone and once with Elizabeth, a new friend from Canada who has moved here, due to her passion for the mountain. As is often the case, the symbolism alludes me, while I continue to be awestruck by the ornate and colorful imagery displayed at these places of worship. Elizabeth has the driver stop at her favorite sites, as she shares with me her enthusiasm for the various temples, receiving puja (smudging) all along the way. Surely with all of the blessings, my ills will be washed away!




Another woman I crossed paths with in Tiru was Carol, a devotee of Sri Ramana. She is an Art teacher and has been spending her summer breaks at the Ashram for the past 6 years. She is eager to take me onto the mountain, to a few of the sites where the Enlightened One spent much of His time. Crossing paths with a yellow cobra along the way, we stop for some quiet time, at one of His favorite meditation spots. As we head back, before the gates close for the evening. I am grateful for her generosity of spirit, for surely without it, I would not have ventured onto the sacred mountain.

Weary and ready to move on, I manage to find my way to the next train station, heading for Amma’s. Surely with her warm embrace and loving energy, I will feel much better; plus, I am looking forward to being by the sea. This will be my first coastal experience while in India, and the Ashram is on a small island on the coast of the Arabian sea.




The train arrives in the morning, so that I arrive at the Ashram around 11:00 AM, just as Amma is giving daily darshan. As I enter the compound I am swept into a wave of activity. As a new arrival I am given a token, in order to receive a hug. Eager to get cleaned up and situated in my room, I choose to wait until a later time. As I am taken to my dorm room, much to my disappointment, I am in a room with 3 other women, in a very, very small space with no outside windows. Everyone scrambles to make room for me.

I immediately felt claustrophobic and overwhelmed. This is not the kind of environment I was confident would provide me the comfort and ease I needed, given how I was feeling. Soon after collapsing on the bed, a previous roommate arrived to gather her things. Turns out, neither was she able to find comfort in the room and requested a change, which she was granted, encouraging me to do the same. The short of it, I did get moved, with the only improvement being that the next room had two outside windows and I was on the top bed, so I received the benefit of the ceiling fan. Feeling feverish, I appreciated the small amount of relief it provided.

After being in the Ashram for a day, and not being able to keep food down, I went to the hospital (not as serious as it sounds, that is just what they call the doctor’s office). I was put on antibiotics. They insist that Westerners be willing to treat health issues allopathically, even though there is an Ayurvedic clinic on the grounds. If you are not willing to do so, you are asked to leave. As I attempted to make my way about the daily activities of life in the Ashram, I began to question my decision to come here. Should I have just gone straight to Sai Baba’s for the duration of the journey? Vulnerable to my concerns and considerations as to “Who” is really planning this trip/this life/this journey, after all, I slip into some pretty uncomfortable spaces. There are over 3,000 devotees here and everyone is hustling about, eager to be in Her presence, to serve Her, to be about their assigned tasks, holding firm to all ground rules. While appreciating the importance of doing so, in attempting to maintain some order with so many residents, ironically, I found it very difficult to feel real support, in the midst of so much "love."






A couple of days after arriving, it became clear that it was time to move on. After much difficulty, I was finally able to make travel arrangements to Puttaparti, home of Sai Baba. As I had a full afternoon before leaving, I decided to just be present to the activities of the day. Amma does not offer darshan on Friday, so things were a little quiet. Saddened that I had not been able to feel a deeper level of connection with this place - with Amma, who is experienced by so many as the manifestation of love, doing phenomenal work throughout the world - or even with my own healthy whole self, I decided I would attempt to get some of those needs met by finding someone who is obviously a devotee, authentically part of this community, and ask for a quiet conversation about life here. It was then, that I met Jane, from England, while having a cup of ginger tea in the Western Canteen. Initially, she was “running a little late,” but asked what could she do to help me. As I explained my desire to leave here, with a greater understanding of life with Amma, and the difficulty I had had in moving beyond my own personal pain, she too was quick to assure me, that "life is intense at the ashram. Our stuff comes up while here. It is a purifying process and for the good." She was sorry that I would be leaving before having had a hug. Time then seem to open up for her and we carried on in a very sweet conversation, including some of her own deep love and respect for Sai Baba and her excitement for me and my journey there. We talked about how things manifest so quickly in India. Such an interesting phenomenon. Just about that time, another devotee came racing by, informing her that Amma was down by the sea. Immediately, we gather our things and off we go. There is a real sense of excitement in the air. An impromptu gathering with Amma by the sea. As hundreds begin to gather around her, we are able to sit up close. Unlike in the auditorium, packed wall to wall, we are out in the fresh, open air, with the sounds of the waves crashing upon the shore, being led into meditation, accompanied with some lovely chanting. Afterwards, Amma asks if anyone has any spiritual jokes.

She then opens up a conversation regarding environmental issues, asking if anyone has any ideas as to what we can do to help the global situation. A wide range of ideas emerge, with perspectives from all over the world. It is then time to move. She leads us in some closing chants and then asks the crowd to leave before her. She would like to have some alone time by the sea. As everyone is eager to grant her desire, we begin to leave. Just then, they announce that if anyone is leaving today, that Amma will be giving darshan. Before I know it, I am being plunged into her lap, as she blesses me on my way. I had pretty much decided I would wait until she next came to the States for my hug, and lo and behold, it was not to be. I was to have that connection before parting. Interestingly my spirits began to lift and I found myself relieved of a good bit of the weakness I had felt earlier.

I now had 30 minutes to catch a shower, get packed and meet the rickshaw driver. All in due time. Ah, once again, I was beginning to feel the sweet, sweet breeze of being in the flow. Off to Baba I go.

On the train ride I was accompanied by this family. The little ones name is Abhi. That was fun!



I look forward to feeling much better, soon...

Peace.

Into Varanasi for the eclipse

After leaving Bodhgaya, I headed into Varanasi by way of the train, arriving shortly after dark. It was not until the next morning that I was able to visit the Ghats. Varanasi is considered to be one of the oldest living cities in the world. The city of Shiva is considered to be one of the holiest cities, with pilgrims from throughout India gathering here to wash away a lifetime of sins in the Ganges or to cremate their loved ones. It is believed that if one dies here, they are liberated from the cycle of birth and death. Hindus consider it to be the heart of their universe, the place at which the physical and spiritual worlds meet. Ongoing ceremonies of life and death all take place here, as gatherings of men and women come together to study, pray and perform sacred rituals.











The Ghats are bathing steps which lead down to the sacred waters of the Ganges, with over 300 of them running all along the River. Throughout the area are numerous shrines and temples honoring the various gods, most prominently, Shiva.






Beyond the Ghats are narrow alley ways, called galis, which are lined with shops, restaurants, and small businesses operated out of the homes of the residents. Part of my daily routine included purchasing curd from this elderly man, making for a great breakfast of yogurt and mangos. And while I don’t smoke, I could not resist purchasing a bundle of leaf wrapped cigarettes, promised to be healthier, from this couple.


In addition to the smaller businesses, there were also a multitude of shops filled with silk and linen.










In this city of over one million, I found myself captivated by the oldest part of town, dedicating the vast majority of my time there. Fortunately, I was able to get a great room overlooking the Ghats, at the Sita Hotel. At night, as warm as it was, I found myself reluctant to turning on the fan, as it would drown out the sounds of the ongoing chanting and prayers. Varanasi is a soulful city, the atmosphere permeated with tradition going back over 2000 years. One cannot help but feel transported in time here, taking me way beyond my imagination, totally captivated by it all. And while so very, very grateful for the rich experience of having visited there, as in so much of my life, I found myself lost in the mystery of it. The depth that lay beneath the surface eluded me, leaving me hungry for deeper meaning and understanding. A wave of grief sweeps over as I contemplate the all-too-familiar experience of knowing there is so much more than the conscious mind comprehends, but for whatever reason, does not seem to have access to the full range of understanding. As a sightseer my cup runneth over. As a seer of truth, I remain open to wider perceptions of reality, penetrating the illusions of separation.

It was during my time in Varanasi, that I experienced the solar eclipse, when the light of day, was totally eclipsed by the dark of the moon. It was quite an experience, as thousands filled the Ghats in anticipation of the event. As the clouds dispersed, the Sun was in perfect view as the cosmic drama unfolded, for all to see.

Many photographers arrived for the event, including two young men from Kolkata, Pradipta and Sumit, who also stayed at the Sita Hotel. I had the good fortune of spending some time with them. They were most generous in the sharing of their lives and traditions while providing some sweet connection, connection I had longed for since arriving in India. As supporters of the Ramakrishna Mission, they invited me to join them in visiting the local Ashram. It was quite a wonderful experience, as we had a private audience with the Swamiji, followed by a tour, which included a hospital, retirement home for the elderly, a small farm for producing dairy products, a learning center and the Temple. Before leaving for the States, my cousin expressed interest in working with someone from here, in developing a website. While open to the possibility of finding someone who could help him, I was delighted to find out that Sumit has a business doing just that! (Somehow, the laws of manifestation seem to work quite gracefully here. I am appreciating the importance of being responsible for one’s thoughts.) I have put the two together. Both of the men have shared with me a few of their photos of the eclipse and the burning ghat, which I am sharing in this blog. They are really quite talented. I hope to maintain connection with them, even as I return to the States.

A few of my favorite eclipse images:









Along with all of the religious tradition, there is wide range of activities that take place here.











Thursday seems to be the day for laundry, as the men turn out to do their washing, while the women drape the washed sheets out for drying.



As the crowds depart, after the climactic eclipse showing, things quiet down. I too am ready to move on, preparing for a 43 hour train ride into the southern part of the country.

The journey south was not an easy one, as I was sick most of the way. By the time I arrived in Pondicherry, I was quite ready for much needed down time. I made my way to Auroville, where I was able to take refuge at the College Guest House. The day after arriving, an NVC workshop was scheduled. I attended, appreciating the opportunity to receive a bit of empathy. Regrettable, Auroville is more complicated (complex, I was corrected) than I had the energy to sort out, so I am sure that I missed the real beauty in this community, started some 40 years ago, as a manifestation of a vision of the Mother, spiritual partner to Sri Aurobindo. I am grateful for the rest, as I recovered from a few hellish days, while in transition.

Now on to Tiruvannamalai, home of Sri Ramana Maharshi.