So, here I am with Magdi, born and raised in Hungary, with deep ancestral roots in this land. And as you can imagine, I am eager to hear of her life story, as a native Hungarian. How has it been for her, living in the midst of such an important period in the life of Hungarian history ? (She lived in the USA for a number of years and teaches English, so we are able to have a thorough conversation.)
As we finished our meal and are sharing life stories, the topic of alcoholism comes up. I know it well, from my own family of origin, and I had heard it was a problem here in Hungary. Hungary ranks high on the list of European countries plagued with the illness along with depression and suicide. There is unhappiness in Hungary. What does she attribute it to? Hungary is finally a liberated country, free to create Her own future, so it seems, now that the Russians are gone. What is the burden? After having visited the Holocaust museum on Sunday, it is not difficult to imagine. Additionally, after having dipped into Hungarian history for the past two months, it is clear that the challenges Hungarians have had to deal with for a very long time, run deep. SHE has had a hard life, with many hundreds of years of having to defend her right for freedom and independence and respect. Unfortunately too many times, partnering up with the “wrong guy”. The guy who did not have her best interest in mind, but rather His own, self serving power seeking, domination driven interests. I am speaking of Austria, Germany and Russia. And yes, Turkey before that, although She did not choose Him. They all recognized something precious and valuable here and unfortunately She was all too willing to receive their “support” Undoubtedly with many regrets, having paid some very heavy prices for that “support”. (I recognize this story, feeling as though I have heard it before).
Sadness wells up, as I write this. As it did for Magdi as she tells a story of her family making their trip to Germany to visit family. They were allowed to travel outside of Hungary, once every 3 years. Her aunt invited them to come live with her. To move out of Hungary, and be free from the oppressive Communist government. . Her father declines the offer. And the sadness, I ask as I try to connect with Magi in her grief. .She shares how touched she was that her fathers love for his country, his homeland was so great that he would not abandon Her. This is where he and his family belonged. And there is sadness. Because with that deep seated commitment comes hardship, difficult and challenging times for himself and his family. And that hardship lives on today. Her father is an engineer, an educated man. He is in his mid 60's and is loosing his memory. Magdi is not sure whether it is a physiological condition or whether he no longer chooses to remember. She fears he has "given up, lost interest". The burden has gotten too heavy, and he needs to set it down. He has carried it long enough.
As we talked about the depression and the alcoholism, I asked about how people are getting help in dealing with their haunted past, in order to heal. Were there public programs available to help the masses process such unhealed wounds that lie not- so-dormant, within the psyche of the Hungarian people. She felt as though it was an inside job, one person at a time, while also hopeful that with each generation, the consciousness of the times, would serve as a healing agent. For now, she will do her own inner work and when waking up with nightmares, she will continue to let them go, affirming “they do not belong to her”. She is part of the generation that does have an opportunity to participate in the creation of a new life, here in Hungary. And today, the people struggle as they attempt to do so, with little clarity as to how to make such a major shift from one political system to another. It is as if they are still recovering from years of trauma, not quite ready to make necessary changes required in order to move into full potential. For those with vision, patience seems to run a bit thin, while the commitment and love for this place remains steady.
With the Holocaust experience fresh in my mind, having just visited the Museum I asked what her understanding was regarding Hungary's' role in the genocide. Since my journey thru that dreadful time in human history, I have had many questions. How could the Hungarians have participated in the demise of so many hundreds of thousands of innocent individuals, Jewish Romas-Gypsy and homosexual? One third of the millions of the victims were either Hungarian citizens or deported from Hungary. Many of these crimes were committed by Hungarians themselves, who were part of the political and intellectual elite, social and professional organizations. I found myself taking a second look at the people of Hungary. There were so many stories told of the involvement of the Hungarian Arrow Cross regime, and their participation in the utter atrocities committed against their own people, people who they had lived and worked and played with for many generations. And the churches, who turned their back on these people, all children of God. And the “innocent by standers” who allowed their neighbors, friends, colleagues to be deported off to concentration camps to be tortured, brutally used for so called medical experimentation, forced into slave labor camps and eventually murdered in masses? How could they possibly have supported a government, committing such horrific acts as that of Hitler and his followers, Hungarian, Austrian and German?? How could it happen ?
(Unable to fully comprehend it all, unfortunately, as is often the case when in such a predicament, I leaned towards drawing a conclusion. A conclusion which fell within the realm of good and bad, right and wrong. In do so, there is no question which camp Hitler belonged to. But, what about the Hungarian people. The people of this country I have enjoyed living in the midst of for the past two months. Where do they fit, in my simplistic, naive, self-protecting storyline. Yes, I am rattled.
Since being here, I have had the real pleasure of developing relationships with both Andrew, whose Jewish grandfather left Hungary to live in the USA, and Magdi a native Hungarian. Obviously, each having very different history's here. Both carrying wounds of their ancestry, as they are products of their past, as we all are. I care for them both. I feel a deep connection with them. And, as I bear witness to the realities they are part of, I am confronted with my attempts to ease the pain as I try o reconcile the two.
As Magdi and I continued our conversation, she talked about the guilt that the Hungarian people carry regarding their contribution to the Holocaust and the incredible amount of fear they felt as they lived with the brutal, life threatening intimidation f the Nazi's.
The Jewish themselves felt some of the same, as the question would arise, did they resist, at the risk of creating greater harm or did they comply. The Zionists resisted, often generating criticism from their own. Comply, as I use the word, I feel a heavy dread sweep over me.
My paradigm does not serve me and I am willing to set it down and open my heart to embracing the fullness of the Story.
I recently heard that Mother Mary is the Patron Saint here. I certainly have felt Her presence, from the beginning of my visit, as I have explored the feminine in the many different aspects. Starting out with the video describing the ecological state of affairs on planet earth, to my curiosity with the women, and their high heeled shoes and exposed cleavages, to the multitude of young ones helping to repopulate this country, to the celebration of the Goddess at the Festival, to the luscious hot baths, the quiet dark places of a low burning flame, and the playful, all embracing rain; all so deliciously feminine. SHE has been most present and available to me, while here. So as I heard of the Mothers prominent role in the culture here, I was not at all surprised. And a real sense of peace came over me. Peace in knowing that in the midst of such a time of transition, the country is well cared for and loved. And just as Magdi''s father has a great love for his country, this country has a great love for Her people and with that love, the much needed healing of the past surely will take place and the Hungarians will flourish into their fullness and there will be reason to celebrate, not only for them but for the entire European community they are an honorable part of. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to experience Her in this particular place and time.
