Oops, I got in my own way.....

Yesterday, for the first day after arriving in Budapest, I found myself out of sorts.
It started a day or so ago, when I was having to make a decision as to how I spent the Summer Solstice. I place special significance on the day, imagining that it is a turning point in the year, not only for the planet, but surely for me. So, how did I want to celebrate the event in the most meaningful way? One was the Goddess Festival solstice celebration and the other was a Fashion Show at the Kiscelli Museum, choreographed by a friend of Andrews. Without belaboring the point, I did neither. At 5:00 in the afternoon, after making a call to the US Embassy for some information, I was informed they were closed on week-ends. “But this is Friday….no, it is Saturday” Yikes, both of my Solstice choices begin at 6:00. Not only do I not feel like I can get ready, out the door and there on time, I have not a clue as to where either of them are. Yea, I do have addresses, but navigating the subway, into new areas of the City, feels like way more than what I can do……so, it appears as thou the decision has been made for me. When in reality it is clear to me, that it is my own hesitations/attitudes/reservations that keep me from a potentially delightful evening….which either one I chose. I suppose I am most regretting having missed the Fashion Show, mainly because I am conscious of how many stories I had going, about attending, plus I think it would have been fun. Andrew wanted me to meet his friends from Italy, along with the producer of the evening event. Already knowing my challenges in dealing with the disparity between my own feminine self image and my perception of the women of Hungary, not to mention a producer of a Fashion Show along with vibrant, creative geniuses from Italy!! If I went, surely I would be confronted with all of my “demons”, ones that have clung to me all of my life, having grown up with a father who loved woman for the way they made him feel about his own masculine nature and never feeling adequate in succeeding at doing much good in that area and a mother who was motherless from the age of 6, and had not a clue herself as to who she was as a woman. I blame neither of them; it was my choice, even before them I chose.


One of the workshops I attended at the Goddess Festival was on shame. We were told that it does not belong to us, but rather was given by someone else, and all we have to do is give it back. Oh, right! Just give it back..!! As if I have choice as to when I ‘shed my skin’, “drop my coat” or “emerge from the cocoon”, into the beautiful, fully liberated creature I have forever hoped myself to be!!!! So after all of the dancing and deep contemplation of the morning before, considering the possibility of “just giving it back”, here I was caught/stuck and thrown in on myself, ever so conscious of my edge.
Evidently, moving closer in on it, but not quite ready to make the leap!

I did get myself to the movies last night, after searching for an English speaking film. The only one I could find that fit the time frame was Maid of Honor. A silly little film of a man who finally realizes how much he loves the girl, only after he stands to loose her and has been asked to be her maid of honor. He comes to his senses, races into the wedding ceremony on a horse, to protest the marriage, declares his deep love and affection for her, gets the girl, they marry, and surely live happily ever after.
Without a clue as to how he manages long held fear of commitment and honesty!!
Oh well, maybe there is reason to have hope!! (I did say “silly little film didn’t I).


So, into the night I slept, tossing and turning, grieved, restless and even disappointed.

A bit more on the Festival, I did enjoy being with the woman, even thou almost none of them spoke English. Fortunately, the presenter did. There were a number of eye gazing, boundary setting exercises. Ways to connect with self and others, without words. I appreciated that. At one point it did become clear to me that as long as I stayed heart connected, I remained in some form of love, as soon as I went into my head, I felt fear. The other workshop I attended was on Chanting. I am ready to sing out….so I thought, until we were asked to sing our name. So after working our way around the circle, with all of the courage I could muster I sang out in the most timid and shy voice I have ever heard come out of my mouth, Abee. Meanwhile the rest of them had these wonderful long, multi syllabled, melodic names that they sang with great pride. Oh, oh, .where did I go?? Oops, just lost me. So, as we ran up and down the chakra system calling on all of the ancient ones, from Kali, Medusa, Peli, Hathor, Kuan Yin, Isis to the Divine Mother, we were encouraged to feel her presence. When does all of this become real, I ask? I was informed, when the student is ready!#!@# Oh well. Surely I will be ready, when I am ready.
By the way, we were encouraged to wear turquoise when speaking as it strengthens and empowers the throat chakra. Good for us that live in the SW, and have an arsenal of turquoise at our disposal.


And so here I am, Sunday morning, after having missed Saturday. I don't know what that means in the grand scheme of things. Surely the Solstice and all of the promise that it brings, will not overlook me, for having slipped into myself while in search for the ever changing evolving self that I am.


I am preparing for a journey out of Budapest, this afternoon. Eva has invited me to come visit her this week. She is attending classes at the European Center for Peace Studies in Stadtschlaining, Austria. This week the founder of the program will be presenting. According to Eva he is quite remarkable and well worth the journey. I will depart at 12:00PM and get there at 15:00. I am looking forward to the experience.

With more to share, later. Hugs to all of us.